Time To Refocus

I seem to have gotten off track of what I was trying to achieve lately.  I got myself into a bit of trouble that will pass, but it is going to cost me money I don't have.  I am now refocusing on exactly what I need to do to finish school and get a better job.
Things at work are starting to get a bit busier and I am focusing on making sure I am doing well in my classes.  I registered for spring term and realized that I should be done by next winter at the latest.  It was a bit surreal to realize I was that close to achieving a goal I set for myself years ago and could just never seem to get any closer to.  I am really excited about it though.
I am realizing that I need to stay focused on what makes me happy and stop trying to make everyone else happy around me.  If I am happy with myself then everything else will eventually fall into place.  I think I needed for this to happen for me to realize that I was getting off track and refocus me to what is important and what I need to do.  I am excited to see what this next year has in store for me and how things are going to play out.  I am tired of sabotaging myself and my happiness because I start to believe that I don't deserve it.  I DO DESERVE IT.  It is really hard to accept so many things I have waited so long for actually coming into my life.  When most of my life and experience has shown me that everything is all bad or all good and there is generally no in between.  I am able to focus on the good instead of the bad now and see that things are never all one way or the other, there is always good with the bad and bad with the good.  I just pray that I can keep  focused and keep going in the direction I'm going, because I think I am finally going in the right direction and moving forward with my life and not stuck in the past.

Stress, Stress & More Stress

Well lately I feel like I can't do anything right for anyone.  I have disappointed my kids, myself, Ron, my parents and probably my friends or at least most of them.  Sometimes I hate the fact that no matter what I do I can never seem to get ahead, I always make just enough progress that anytime something gets in the way I feel like I've taken 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.  I'm always trying to keep my head above water but lately I feel like I'm sinking fast.  I Love Ron with all my heart, but sometimes I feel like maybe he doesn't take me very seriously.  As I write this I am beyond tired, I have slept in almost 48 hours so I'm pretty emotional and kind of rummy.

Christmas 2011

Well Christmas was good this year.  We went to Ron's Grandma's house the Tuesday night before, then to his Mom's on Christmas Eve, from there we came up to my house for the rest of the night Christmas Eve and watched movies with the kids, woke up and opened gifts with the kids Christmas morning, then left for my Mom's to have breakfast and open more gifts.  It was nice to be able to see everyone we care about for the Holidays and still be able to spend it together.  Ron made a small scrapbook with a picture of Matt Knight Arena on the front, page 2 had a picture of the Band Perry, and the last page had a picture of Brad Paisley with two concert tickets.  It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever been given.  Every time I start to think how great he is and how good he treats me, he goes and does something else really sweet and makes my life even better.  I am VERY THANKFUL & GRATEFUL to have him in my life.

Spoiled Much??? I Smell Roses...GOOO DUCKS!!!

Yes, I would have to say that lately I am very SPOILED.  Ron has decided we are going to the Rose Bowl to watch the DUCKS play.
Life with him is so nice, I can't believe that my car died and I have nothing to drive, my hours have been cut at work and I'm having problems with my financial aid for school even though my grades are good; yet I'm not totally stressed out and feeling like it is the end of the world. He keeps me from losing it.  Anytime I start to get to stressed he jokes with me and tells me to calm down, then he says to just keep trying and good things will happen.  He also said we would get through it together.  Nobody has ever been able to calm me down like that, usually I freak out and feel/act like it is the end of the world.  I can't believe the changes in myself, I have tried hard to stay motivated and focused in the past year or so, but things have gotten to me some.  I have been able to pull myself back up and keep my head in the game, but for some reason he keeps me from focusing on the bad and I see way more of the good these days.  I'm so incredibly happy right now.

This will be my first big game EVER I am so excited.  We are leaving Friday the Dec 29th and will be home sometime Wed Jan 4th.  This is our first Vacation as a couple so I'm nervous but I know it will all be OK. :-)

So Very Proud

One week ago we had the memorial for my brother Willy.  I was so incredibly proud of his daughter, my niece Mariah Lee Irish.  She is 15 and has had a hard time growing up.  She has been in a lot of trouble and we all worry about her.  She handled her dad's death better than I ever thought she would.  She talked at the service, read poems and picked the music.  When they presented her with a flag in honor of her Dad she cried but managed it well.  She handled all of these things like an adult and I am very proud of her.

Saying Goodbye

Willy passed around 3pm today.  He was surrounded by people that love him and he fought until the end.  It tore my heart out when he grabbed my hands and begged me not to let him die.  He begged me to help him breathe as his lungs were filling up with fluid.  It was so hard to be there and feel completely helpless.  I hated it and I am trying so hard not to be angry right now.  I hate how unfair life is, he was 41 years old and called me his twin sister.  I go from being completely numb to angry to just heart broken.  I need my happy place right now, but can't go until tomorrow.

Still Trying To Figure It All Out...

I am still trying to figure out how to process my feelings when it comes to my brother.  He begged me the other night to not let him die.  He knows there is nothing I can do and that it will take a miracle, but he still begged me to help him and I feel so helpless.  What am I supposed to do with that?  How am I supposed to feel?  I feel like I am failing him because I can't do anything about the fact that he is going to die.  This is killing me.