Christmas 2011

Well Christmas was good this year.  We went to Ron's Grandma's house the Tuesday night before, then to his Mom's on Christmas Eve, from there we came up to my house for the rest of the night Christmas Eve and watched movies with the kids, woke up and opened gifts with the kids Christmas morning, then left for my Mom's to have breakfast and open more gifts.  It was nice to be able to see everyone we care about for the Holidays and still be able to spend it together.  Ron made a small scrapbook with a picture of Matt Knight Arena on the front, page 2 had a picture of the Band Perry, and the last page had a picture of Brad Paisley with two concert tickets.  It was one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever been given.  Every time I start to think how great he is and how good he treats me, he goes and does something else really sweet and makes my life even better.  I am VERY THANKFUL & GRATEFUL to have him in my life.

Spoiled Much??? I Smell Roses...GOOO DUCKS!!!

Yes, I would have to say that lately I am very SPOILED.  Ron has decided we are going to the Rose Bowl to watch the DUCKS play.
Life with him is so nice, I can't believe that my car died and I have nothing to drive, my hours have been cut at work and I'm having problems with my financial aid for school even though my grades are good; yet I'm not totally stressed out and feeling like it is the end of the world. He keeps me from losing it.  Anytime I start to get to stressed he jokes with me and tells me to calm down, then he says to just keep trying and good things will happen.  He also said we would get through it together.  Nobody has ever been able to calm me down like that, usually I freak out and feel/act like it is the end of the world.  I can't believe the changes in myself, I have tried hard to stay motivated and focused in the past year or so, but things have gotten to me some.  I have been able to pull myself back up and keep my head in the game, but for some reason he keeps me from focusing on the bad and I see way more of the good these days.  I'm so incredibly happy right now.

This will be my first big game EVER I am so excited.  We are leaving Friday the Dec 29th and will be home sometime Wed Jan 4th.  This is our first Vacation as a couple so I'm nervous but I know it will all be OK. :-)

So Very Proud

One week ago we had the memorial for my brother Willy.  I was so incredibly proud of his daughter, my niece Mariah Lee Irish.  She is 15 and has had a hard time growing up.  She has been in a lot of trouble and we all worry about her.  She handled her dad's death better than I ever thought she would.  She talked at the service, read poems and picked the music.  When they presented her with a flag in honor of her Dad she cried but managed it well.  She handled all of these things like an adult and I am very proud of her.

Saying Goodbye

Willy passed around 3pm today.  He was surrounded by people that love him and he fought until the end.  It tore my heart out when he grabbed my hands and begged me not to let him die.  He begged me to help him breathe as his lungs were filling up with fluid.  It was so hard to be there and feel completely helpless.  I hated it and I am trying so hard not to be angry right now.  I hate how unfair life is, he was 41 years old and called me his twin sister.  I go from being completely numb to angry to just heart broken.  I need my happy place right now, but can't go until tomorrow.

Still Trying To Figure It All Out...

I am still trying to figure out how to process my feelings when it comes to my brother.  He begged me the other night to not let him die.  He knows there is nothing I can do and that it will take a miracle, but he still begged me to help him and I feel so helpless.  What am I supposed to do with that?  How am I supposed to feel?  I feel like I am failing him because I can't do anything about the fact that he is going to die.  This is killing me.

Me & My Wonder Twin Flock Cancer

How Do I Say Goodbye????

I went to visit my Brother Willy today.  He has cancer and not much longer to live.  I didn't know what to say when he started crying and told me that he was supposed to be in the prime of his life and he was scared to die.  We are the same age, he is my step brother but has been like a twin to me since we were 5.  My heart is breaking because I have no idea how to make things easier for him or how to tell him goodbye.  I took his Duck jersey to my BF house and he dropped it off with a friend of his who had it signed by the player for him.  He was so excited to get it back signed tonight, but then got really sad and I don't know how to process my feelings.  I feel so bad for him and I love him and don't want him to die, but I also want his pain and suffering to end.

Guilt, Anger & Feeling Sad

I HATE that I am mad at my brother right now, because he is dying and probably only has a couple more days to live.  I feel guilty for it, but he has been so mean to my parents and rude to everyone that I just want to shake him.  I Love him but at the same time I just want it to all be over with so my family can move on.  I know this most likely makes me a bad person, but I can't help the way I feel.  I want him to just stop suffering and making everyone else suffer to.

Life is finally starting to look up

I have had a lot to be thankful for in the past few months.  I reconnected with an old friend who has become so much more.  We have tried this before and we always seem to go our separate ways, but things are a lot different this time, so I'm crossing my fingers and just going with the flow.  Just taking things one day at a time is new and I'm doing better than I thought I would at it.  Wish me luck :)